Sometimes I feel like a large part of our lives depends on, decisions. In the morning, do we decide to have toast or cereal? At school, do we decide to talk or actually listen to the teacher? Do we wear a dress or trousers when getting dressed? All of these are, decisions.
But these are the simple ones- the decisions we make subconsciously, the decisions which may or may not have an impact on our day but I suppose in some cases that's up to us. If you decide not to eat breakfast you'll probably be feeling a little bit embarrassed about a rumbling stomach during a quiet lesson or a meeting. If you decide to listen in class then you will know just that little bit more by the end of the day than you did at the start.
Decisions can be positive...or negative. Like for example making the decision not to help out an elderly person or deciding not to be nice to the people around you for a day. We're normally aware of our negative decisions; the decisions that could reflect on you as a person- the decisions you make might be the judging panel for your peers, for the people who you interact with every day.
There is general decision making. Then, (for me, anyway) there is diabetes decision making.
I have struggled a lot this past year especially, to get to grips with my diabetes control. I haven't been bolusing, I haven't been testing like I should. And then, when I try to explain it in clinic, or to my parents I can never figure out the reason why- then this brings me to question- are we always REALLY aware of our negative decisions? My answer is, no.
The decisions that I made to not do my testing or my bolusing- have not been decisions I was aware of. I know I have been in a state of not wanting to deal with diabetes, but I don't know why. It hardly ever crossed my mind that I wasn't doing what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes it feels like- I'm not diabetic, but I am.
Now after my appointment in clinic on Tuesday I have a bit more decision making to do, especially after two urine tests came back positive for protein twice in a row. My annual review urine analysis test showed positive for protein- so they did another because sometimes it can be a mistake, and the second came back positive. However, it could even be an error on the second time around so I'm doing another in 6 weeks when I go back to clinic- and if that one is positive then it could be kidney damage and that means medicine to protect my kidneys...if it's negative (which I'm sure it will be) then I'm all clear.
My doctor gave me six ideas...on how I can get back under control because my Hba1c is also still 11% and it's just getting to the breaking point now. I just can't carry on barely making it through the days because I always feel so drained. I just feel so irresponsible that I don't do what I'm supposed to, but sometimes I literally cry at the fact that I have NO idea why I don't do it and I can't seem to find my motivation from anywhere. But, I still keep my head up and on Tuesday my doctor said "Don't try to rationalise it. It's like me with my finances, I push them all to the back of my mind even though I know I can get money out of it- but I have no idea why I can't be bothered to do them when it means I'll get something good out of it. But don't try to figure out why you can't do it" so I said okay, and I won't.
Then the DSN saw my ring.
DSN: I bet when you first put on that ring it was really annoying and you really wanted to take it off.
DSN: But you still put it on every morning no matter how annoying it was because it looked good?
Me: Yeah I don't normally wear rings but I've gotten used to them now.
DSN: And now you hardly even notice it because it's routine to put it on.
Then towards the end of the conversation I realised she was using my ring to refer to diabetes. I have lost all sense of routine with my diabetes and I desperately need to get it back.
Anyway here are the six ideas:
1. Work with parents or friends to do boluses each meal.
2. Come to clinic more often
3. Admission to ward to help get back in control.
4. 21 times in a row to get back into routine.
5. Switch back to injections either long term or short term (pump holiday)
6. Meet with our psychology team to help you find motivation.
Let me just explain what is meant by number four. There is a saying that you have to do something 21 times before it becomes a routine...so that is why he said that. I'm trying number one at the moment.
I decided that I was going to try and let my family and friends help me do my boluses- and they are reminding me and helping me out, but whenever I do this with them all I realise how much I really don't like it. I don't know why and it's not as if they're all on my back but I just feel like (for me anyway) that it makes diabetes into something bigger for me. They obviously don't do it on purpose but I still feel like maybe, they're taking it as "forcing" well, not forcing I can't really think of the word...but basically, I don't feel like that one is working. Plus, I don't want to be dependent on everyone else I want to really, truly be able to do it on my own.
And even with them all telling me "make sure you do your blood sugar even when it's not meal times and give yourself your insulin" I still don't do it as much as I should because I just can't find it in my brain to be like "Ellie you have to do your insulin now because you have to" I annoy myself about it because dealing with diabetes isn't at the forefront of my mind even when I eat and that's bad. It should be, and I want it to be. Sort of.
I wish things were a straight forward answer sometimes. I feel like I'm just being awkward and fussy about it all when I say it's not going right for me- but clearly it's not that easy for my brain just to switch straight back to being "control over diabetes" mode. Wish it was...
Plus, sometimes I just feel like there is too much to distract me from being diligent with diabetes. Like, friends. At school I'm always moving around or doing something so I feel like I never even bother to squeeze in the few minutes that it takes to do my blood sugars. Then all my friends are eating around me and I think "ugh I don't want to test or give insulin" I know that's bad too but it's just the way it is for me. It's kind of the same thing at home too. But at home I feel like it's too easy for me to hide the fact that I don't do what I'm supposed to, it's not because my parents don't pay attention or watch out for me because they do- but yeah. I'm not sure if you get what I mean by that but all this is kinda hard to explain. I wish that I could just let them help me because I know that they really want to but I feel like I need to get back into this routine on my own. Obviously I will still get encouragement from my family and friends but I have to try, to get back into routine independently or I will depend on them to do it all the time and I can't let that happen or put that strain on everyone around me.
And that makes me lean towards number three...that has been one that I thought I would never consider but after a lot of thinking I feel like it may just be the only one that can help me.
I don't know.
I have to do a little more thinking.
Then maybe I will be able to make my decision.