I have been doing so well with my blood sugar control this past couple of months or so; it took a lot for me to get back on top of my diabetes. Then once I finally did it, it felt amazing. I don't know how I did it- something in me just clicked and I could do it all with fluency. I didn't struggle to bring myself to give insulin or test; I could just do it.
So when I write this post now, I'm not going to say I can't do it, because I know I can do it. I've done it times before and I will do it in the future. It's just, for now, I can feel it slipping out of my grasp. I've had a tight grip on my diabetes for a little while now; but gradually I knew I was falling out of the routine. I am feeling rather frustrated at this because I just want to see a hba1c below 9. I know 9 is still really high but that's an achievement for me because I don't know why, but every once in a while I go through times when it gets really tough.
I can't even explain it. I know people around me would think "What makes it so hard to grab your testing kit and test?" "What makes it so hard to press a button and bolus?" I couldn't answer that question if I tried. I just. don't. know. I wish I knew; if I knew i'd take whatever it is and throw it out of the window. No matter how hard I try, I have not the slightest idea. A few days ago I was eating an apple and I said to myself "come on Ellie, bolus for it. Just bolus" I did it, obviously, but it took more effort than it has done.
The motivation just goes. I hate it and I wish I could deal with my blood sugars as great as everyone around me seems to. Days like these I sit back and think "I am not a very good diabetic" You see, my mind-set towards my diabetes is hardly ever negative, I believe in having a positive attitude. I don't see any point in sitting around wasting time in life. You only get one life and one chance to live it. So even though I think that, I sometimes think "But, all this makes me stronger" it sort of builds a fire in my belly to really get back up and dust my shoulders off to show diabetes just who's in charge.
And that's me. I'm in charge.
It's my life and I'm not going to live it twice so that is what frustrates me even more when I find my control slipping- I feel afraid of what could be. I can't bear knowing that all the days I struggle are tarnishing my future and it annoys me. Diabetes angers me in that sense; it's not something like, for example...the flu.
When a person has the flu, tablets will make the symptoms go away- then eventually the flu will go away. If a person forgets a tablet for flu- then they begin to feel bad again, but that's it. If a diabetic forgets their insulin, they feel terrible, diabetes will always be there and the missed insulin means a tarnished future with every high blood sugar that comes about.
Anyway, I know I'll get through this rough patch with my mum and my dad to support me along with the rest of my family and my friends. I try not to get too down about diabetes anymore like I used to, but people just need to understand that it's tough and it will get monotonous for me and I am still a teenager and distractions can push diabetes out of the way but I'll get there in the end.
One conversation I won't forget is one I had with a man at the Parliament event with Diabetes UK. He came over to me and said "I have had diabetes for 54 years. I still have my arms, I still have my legs and I can still see you!" He beamed with pride at what he had just said and at that moment I honestly felt so inspired. I thought, it is people like him that remind everyone else with diabetes of some very special things- Courage, perseverance and hope.
Every cloud has a silver lining guys.
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"